Monday, January 14, 2008


Tonight on Radio 4

18.00 - 18.30 - I'm sorry, this is my penis
Comedy panel show featuring Paul Merton, Willie Rushton, Brian Conley and Sandi Toksvig

18.30 - 19.30 - Paul Morley on silence
Paul Morley presents this exploration on peace and quiet and why it isn't quite as important as punk.

19.30 - 21.00 Stephen King's 'Cakes'
A presentation of Stephen King's most recent and, perhaps, most terrifying work. An evil baker creates an evil batch of cake-mix and unleashes it upon the English village of Titchmouse. Stars Peter Bowles and Alison Steadman.

21.00 - 21.00 Let's be 'avin' you
Punt and Dennis ensure they get paid this week by riffing on how various landlords may ask you to leave a public house.

21.00 - 22.00 Tired, tired, tired - Guest edited by the ghost of Fred Dibnah
The late night discussion show this week features Charles Dance, Delbert Wilkins and Jack Osbourne looking at the work of French arthouse maestro Jacques Biro.

22.00 - 23.00 Lady dance
This week: Jermaine Defoe

23.00 - 23.30 Quiet hate
Jon Gaunt whispers a stream of invective into a microphone whilst trying not to disturb a nearby puppy. This week the subject is 'Public money spent on immigrants'.

23.30 - Midnight Rock me to sleep, you crazy bitch!
Suzi Quatro lulls listeners to sleep with a select batch of rock songs carefully selected to ensure immediate sleep. Or death.

Midnight - 00.05 Trucking news
All the black-ice and glory-hole news from the A Roads and motorways of the UK.

00.05 Shut down

Sunday, January 13, 2008


He's back!

Who's back? He!

Now I know what some of you are thinking: why did I end up at this page? I was looking for a picture of a tube being inserted into a plastic penis. Well that tube and that latex appendage can be seen in the profile picture so suck it up you strange, medico-filthseeker.

Others may be wondering where I have been, and why I had bothered to start writing on this unmissed shit-bath again. There has been no public outcry since I stopped, no wailing and gnashing of teeth, no phonecall from Bono urging me to write something... ANYTHING!... for the sake of Africa. No... this is yet another instance of the self-indulgent, unwanted tripe that clogs the internet and makes finding any useful information nigh-on impossible. Lip-synching Taiwanese kids, 15 year-olds stripping on their webcams, lisping homosexuals talking about the latest splattery turds to fall out of Britney Spears... this blog is no better or worse than any of these, or at least it hasn't been until now.

From this moment on I shall try to make this a useful, informative and healthy depository of facts and opinion. I shall do what I can to nudge you, dear reader, along the road to being a better, more productive human being and in so doing, improve myself. Here is a list of facts to being our intelliventure:

- Jamie Oliver owns the word "herbage". He is also attempting to buy the words "zest", "olive", "clam" and "Jew".

- The Pentagon invented High Definition television as a way to cull some of the less attractive actors in Hollywood. They aim to make expectations of physical beauty even higher which will result in society becoming better looking. They also want 'Desperate Housewives' off of the air.

- Battery chicken farming involves very few batteries. Three or four at the most.

- The Beatles never really existed as a band. Their hits were written by a committee comprising Ray Davies, Spike Milligan, Harold Macmillan, Peter Cook, Eric Burdon, Rolf Harris and some senior civil servants. John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Starr were all inventions of 'Punch magazine' and were played by actors, some of which still make personal appearances today.

- Birthday cards are the size they are so you can better fit HMV vouchers in them.

- The Irish are not naturally as aggressive as they appear.

- Pleats were named after James Pleat, a Scottish pervert who was annoyed at constantly being thwarted in his attempts to see up "young ladies" skirts. After inventing the pleat he and his partner, Stephen Nonce, were jailed.

- The night does not, despite the song, belong to lovers. It belongs to rapists; please be careful.

So, I hope that this first step to a smarter world has been, at least, partially successful. Who knows how these facts may inspire some youngster to learn more, read more, become more... we can but dream.

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