Tuesday, May 31, 2005


Back in black.

Hey! What's winking? Here I am then, back from my holidays and what a magical time I had. I'd like to share some of my experiences with you in Goodballoon's guide to the World.

Day 1:
As I arrived at Croydon City Airport and settled into my Super Club Sandwich I had the most wonderful feeling of elation; destined for fine times with fine wines whilst commiting fine crimes for nine dimes my little plop-hole was jumpin' about like a freaked twat! As my tram pulled away a warm, almost orgasmic flush came over me. Then a tramp pulled away until he came all over me. These continentals!

Day 2:
France. Monsieur with this marvellous country you are really spoiling us. Cheese, wine, chocolate, horse, cock, horse-cock, frogs, amphibians. Oooo la la! Having been to the hypermarket and the tobacconists I was off. Next: Italy.

Day 3:
Spain. I was keen to meet up with a couple of friends in a ja jeun square I knew down in a tiny Andalucian village I was well disposed towards. I saw them from a distance and realised they had started without me. It was something in the air that told me: tear gas. They had already torn out the front of two of the bars and the police station was on fire. Wild times. I felt as Hemingway must've.

Day 4:
Italy. Nothing of note.

Day 5:
Cilla Black. I slipped into Cilla in the wee small hours and spent a very comfortable night in her birth canal. Warm and dry, it provided me with a very pleasant view of St. Michael's until morning when I ventured further North. Her liver was decent enough although a little editing would not go amiss. Kidneys, lungs and heart were all fine but it was her tonsils that I enjoyed the most. When she sang, they vibrated pleasingly; when she spoke, they swayed gently on the breeze of her breath but it was when she was entertaining a gentleman caller that the action really began. If you managed to cling on the ride was wild, and not unlike a log-flume ride at Alton Towers.

Day 6:
Leeds. I don't remember this at all.

Day 7:
Home. And here I am back to wanking and crying into my pants. Happy times.

Seeing dandruff!

Friday, May 27, 2005



So there we go; I've resigned. After two and a half years of picking up other people's shit and looking after their crap, I've jacked it in. For what? For nothing. I've got nothing to go to. No offers, I've not even had an interview for anything. Scary stuff. Anyone got any ideas?

Thursday, May 26, 2005


Fuck, shit and bollocks.

Ooooooooo I am having such a shoddy week. Really bad. My job is a cockhole of stupifyingly huge proportions. It is a fetid arsehole of a job with nothing remotely interesting about it. Nothing. There are no perks, it's stressful, it's dull, there is no sense of job satisfaction at the end of the day. Basically my job involves finding other people's lost shit. They put it down somewhere, leave it here or there, kick it into a corner... whatever. If I don't then find that thing in the corner, pick it up, dust it off and put it neat and tidy on a shelf, I get a bollocking. I told you it was shit.

All of the above is why I just written my resignation letter. Eighty cleansing words which, whilst not burning any bridges in terms of references etc. tells the senior management what I think of them. I haven't got a job to go to yet. I'm not sure I'm leaving for a while, but it felt good to do it.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005


The Goodballoon Weekend.

What's winking? How are you? Well? I don't care, I'm off on holiday but I'm going to leave you in the capable hands of our good friends at The Guardian's Weekend Magazine. I'm sure their witty style and effervescent prose will make my usual sub-TFI Friday ramblings look like the shite that they are.

The Goodballoon Weekend Magazine.


So, Jasper Goodballoon thinks the deaf are "taking the piss", does he? Well I'm deaf and I can assure him I'm not; I can't hear a thing! Pardon?
J. Walmsey, Bexleyheath.

Finally someone has the good sense to point out the deaf conspiracy that's been going on in this country. Whilst many may be taken in by their so-called "hearing impairment", I for one see them for what they really are: telepaths having a bloody good laugh at the taxpayers expense.
M. Trentium, Bow.

Shouldn't George Galloway's Respect Party really be called the Lack-of-Respect Party after his outrageous behavior in Washington last week? What a disgrace that man, and by extension, your asshole of country is!
Norm Coleman, Virginia

David Frost was born in Singapore in 1908. He went to school in a school but it was during his university years that he realised his true calling and stole everyone else's jokes. In 1989, He joined Combat 18 as a researcher , and three years later became a Knight of the Realm. He now imagines himself to be quite important, and will co-host BBC1's Dance Flu Extravaganza with Graham Norton. She is married with two children.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
I'm sorry?
What is your greatest failin...
My inability to let others finish sentences.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Not having Knighthoods.
What has been your most embarrassing moment?
Having to speak to Richard Nixon. My incredible interviewing technique made him look pathetic; I towered above him like some kind of modern-day Colossus. So embarrassing.
What is your most unappealing habit?
Speaking too quickly.
What makes you depressed?
People calling me a bell-end. It happens more often than you'd think.
How did you vote in the last election?
No thank you, I'm quite warm enough.
What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Have you ever said 'I love you' and not meant it?
Once. The Conservative Party Conference. 1987. If it had been pre-recorded we might have gotten away with it.
Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
'Thank you nurse.'
What is your greatest regret?
Not snuffing out Peter Cook when I had the chance.
How do you relax?
I've got a comfy chair I snooze in every Sunday morning.
How often do you have sex?
All day, every day. With other people? Oh...
What single thing would improve the quality of your life?
Homosexuality. I may have the order of these muddled up.
How would you like to die?
Two sugars please.
How would you like to be remembered?
It's up to others to decide how I should be beatified.
What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
If you're friendly with politicians, they give you stuff.

The Measure
Trousers - Everyone's wearing them!
North Korea - Nuclear weapons? Well done you.
Men - Women are the new yellow. Urgh!
Tom Cruise - Brad who?
Religious Positivism - Well done Pope Benedict, you tell 'em.
Muslims - Like you need a reason.
Jack Lemmon - Dead.
English - Viva la Espanol!

Dave Egger's Short Story
This week: How Mary, 5, went up the stairs and saw her father dressing for church.
As five year old Mary climbed the stairs she couldn't help but think of what this journey could represent; what effect it might have twenty years hence. This may alter her entire perception of the World, her mother, men. The last curve of the stairs approached and she shook with barely controllable fear and anticipation. Was this the last thing she would ever see as a naive, innocent child?

"Look, there's father dressing for church."

She would never be the same again.


That's better!

That'll teach me to try and get clever, and by "clever" I mean "Do something that everyone else who has ever even seen a computer is capable of".

Thursday, May 19, 2005


Why is my blog broken?

What have I done?

Wednesday, May 18, 2005


There is a God, and he's a gag-writer!

Statement from Fox Television:


FOX gets ARRESTED again. The network has ordered a third full season of the Emmy Award-winning comedy series ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT, it was announced today by Peter Liguori, President, Entertainment for Fox Broadcasting Company.

"ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT is one of the best comedies on television. The decision to order another season becomes easy when you consider its amazing cast, creative brilliance, critical acclaim and advertiser appeal," said Liguori. "It's my first official pick-up since taking the job, and I think it's a great way to start."

The critically acclaimed series revolves around Michael Bluth (Jason Bateman), the good son who must run the family business and continue to pick up the pieces as he keeps his offbeat family from falling apart. The comedy has featured guest appearances by numerous stars including Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Liza Minnelli, Heather Graham and Ben Stiller. Last year, the show received five Emmy Awards for Outstanding Comedy Series, Writing, Directing, Casting and Editing. Additionally, Jason Bateman won a Golden Globe for Outstanding Actor in a Leading Role - Musical or Comedy Series and the show was nominated for two Golden Globe Awards for Outstanding Musical or Comedy Series. This past season, the cast was nominated for a SAG Award for Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Comedy Series. The show was also named an AFI Program of the Year and received the Critics' Choice Award for Best Comedy, among other accolades.

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT is produced by Imagine Television and 20th Century Fox Television. Ron Howard, Brian Grazer, David Nevins and Mitch Hurwitz are executive producers.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005


The deaf: an apology

It has come to my attention that in my last post I may have, inadvertantly, said some unkind and, more importantly, untrue things about the deaf. I am fully aware that the deaf have a genuine disorder which stems from their being evil in a past life. It is with this knowledge at my disposal that I most humbly apologise.



Is it just me, or does anyone else think that the deaf might just be taking the piss? I've watched programmes about sign-language and as far as I can see there seems to be a lot of pointing and funny faces and nothing else. I'm pretty sure one of them called me a cock the other day. Bastards.

Anyway, go and say "Hello" (or if you're deaf, wave) to my friend Tag Henderson over there in my links. He's a jolly nice man but he's getting lonely and he's got a marvellous story to tell. He's not deaf. He's just a twat.


Flat-pack Government.

That reshuffled Cabinet in detail:

Tony Blair
Former Leee John impersonator in TV's 'Minipops', Anthony Blair is sure to make a big impression on the newbies in his Cabinet.

John Prescott
Marvellous John has come a long way since his early days as Sofia Coppola.

Gordon Brown
One-eyed man in proverbial 'kingdom of the blind' sexy Gordon is no match for big-brained Deputy Prime Minister John 'lumbago' Prescott.

Jack Straw
Spunky Jack makes a welcome return to the Foreign Office after being forced to remove his glasses due to that 'Iraq business'.

David Blunkett
Disappointed to find he wasn't as hard as he thought during an altercation between himself and a paternity test, David soon regained his confidence by reversing over some "blackies".

Charles Clarke
Oooo, scary.

Patricia Hewitt
Hypnotised to believe everyone she meets is a five-year old child, Patricia's easy charm and self-deprecating humour makes her a popular member of almost any quiz team.

Ruth Kelly

Margaret Beckett
Dashing Margaret is a real man's man. Saville Row suits and carefully waxed moustaches are very much the order of the day.

Alastair Darling
Alastair? Darling!

John Reid
Hearts are aflutter whenever this diminutive Scotsman is around. Unfortunately it's likely to be his own with William Hill giving you 2/1 on a fatal coronary before the next General Election.

Hillary Benn
Miss Benn is a real credit to her father, he must be very proud.

Tessa Jowell
Part of Tessa's real skill in Government has been a very thorough and detailed knowledge of every office she has entered from the start, her attention to detail and sharp mind proving her the most reliable of all ministers. I'm joking, of course! Tessa is an easy lay, as skilled with her mouth as her hand.

Peter Hain
The Gentleman's Gentleman, Peter retains his trademark sheen by taking years of broken promises and forgotten ideologies, pressing them between the pages of old copies of The Socialist Worker, scraping the juices from the nether regions of Digby Jones and smearing himself whilst listening to a CD loop of Norman Tebbit's famous 'cricket test' speech.

Thursday, May 05, 2005


Well alright! (Neil Kinnock 1992)

Well, it's finally arrived! The day we've all been waiting for! Happy Ascension Day everybody!

3 things that are definitely funny:

  1. Avid Merrion (not an idea-free ginger cock-end)
  2. Lenny Henry (news that his current series will be his last sketch show moves me to deep, deep tears)
  3. Johnny Vegas (he is brilliant at shouting)

I don't have time for any more today, I'm afraid. Sorry to disappoint you both but I've got loads of votes to get in the post and the Post Office shuts soon.

Seeing dandruff!

Wednesday, May 04, 2005


How do?

Hello there.

It's been five years since Ken Livingstone was made Mayor of London. Doesn't time fly when you're at a deadlock over the future of the London Underground and whether or not public-private partnership or the bond scheme like the one in New York is the best way to proceed. or something. I like Ken; he says silly things and spends inordinate amounts of time on the inconsequential but the Evening Standard hates him and that makes him alright in my book. Not that you care, you've just come here for more of this bollocks:

Punchlines to jokes that you'll never hear again!
"So I told him, 'If you want to park that in there, you'll have to wash it first!'"

Goodballoon's slang.
Hanging basket = Upside down
Devil's eye-bath = Videos
Wax-on = Have sex
Wax-off = Have sex with oneself
Woofer = Woman
Sub-woofer = Girl
Sixer = Knife
Threer = Fork
Twoer = Spoon
Cock = Prime Minister
Balls = Cabinet

Two-face at Moving the Goalposts met Tony Blair today. He shook his hand. He clapped when he spoke. I'm surprised he didn't give him a little kiss. Fair play; it's not often you get to meet one of your heroes, but now he's got to put up with being savaged by yours truly and laughed at by my audience. So that's three of us laughing then.

I think I was interviewed by this guy:
I didn't get the job either.

Ways I know I'm getting old.
I fart more than I smile. Sometimes I fart just because I've smiled.

With less than 24 hours until the polling booths open, we can start to get a shape of what the results will be like come Friday May 6th. Looking at the ICM and YouGov polls we see Labour's national support holding strong at around 39% with the Tories slipping to 33% and the Lib Dems polling at a very respectable 23%. Both of these polls allow for a +/- of around 3%. Here at Goodballoon research we can, for the first time, give you the clearest, most definitive guide to how the World will look come Friday morning:

Seeing dandruff.

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