Tuesday, May 24, 2005


The Goodballoon Weekend.

What's winking? How are you? Well? I don't care, I'm off on holiday but I'm going to leave you in the capable hands of our good friends at The Guardian's Weekend Magazine. I'm sure their witty style and effervescent prose will make my usual sub-TFI Friday ramblings look like the shite that they are.

The Goodballoon Weekend Magazine.


So, Jasper Goodballoon thinks the deaf are "taking the piss", does he? Well I'm deaf and I can assure him I'm not; I can't hear a thing! Pardon?
J. Walmsey, Bexleyheath.

Finally someone has the good sense to point out the deaf conspiracy that's been going on in this country. Whilst many may be taken in by their so-called "hearing impairment", I for one see them for what they really are: telepaths having a bloody good laugh at the taxpayers expense.
M. Trentium, Bow.

Shouldn't George Galloway's Respect Party really be called the Lack-of-Respect Party after his outrageous behavior in Washington last week? What a disgrace that man, and by extension, your asshole of country is!
Norm Coleman, Virginia

David Frost was born in Singapore in 1908. He went to school in a school but it was during his university years that he realised his true calling and stole everyone else's jokes. In 1989, He joined Combat 18 as a researcher , and three years later became a Knight of the Realm. He now imagines himself to be quite important, and will co-host BBC1's Dance Flu Extravaganza with Graham Norton. She is married with two children.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
I'm sorry?
What is your greatest failin...
My inability to let others finish sentences.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Not having Knighthoods.
What has been your most embarrassing moment?
Having to speak to Richard Nixon. My incredible interviewing technique made him look pathetic; I towered above him like some kind of modern-day Colossus. So embarrassing.
What is your most unappealing habit?
Speaking too quickly.
What makes you depressed?
People calling me a bell-end. It happens more often than you'd think.
How did you vote in the last election?
No thank you, I'm quite warm enough.
What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Have you ever said 'I love you' and not meant it?
Once. The Conservative Party Conference. 1987. If it had been pre-recorded we might have gotten away with it.
Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
'Thank you nurse.'
What is your greatest regret?
Not snuffing out Peter Cook when I had the chance.
How do you relax?
I've got a comfy chair I snooze in every Sunday morning.
How often do you have sex?
All day, every day. With other people? Oh...
What single thing would improve the quality of your life?
Homosexuality. I may have the order of these muddled up.
How would you like to die?
Two sugars please.
How would you like to be remembered?
It's up to others to decide how I should be beatified.
What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
If you're friendly with politicians, they give you stuff.

The Measure
Trousers - Everyone's wearing them!
North Korea - Nuclear weapons? Well done you.
Men - Women are the new yellow. Urgh!
Tom Cruise - Brad who?
Religious Positivism - Well done Pope Benedict, you tell 'em.
Muslims - Like you need a reason.
Jack Lemmon - Dead.
English - Viva la Espanol!

Dave Egger's Short Story
This week: How Mary, 5, went up the stairs and saw her father dressing for church.
As five year old Mary climbed the stairs she couldn't help but think of what this journey could represent; what effect it might have twenty years hence. This may alter her entire perception of the World, her mother, men. The last curve of the stairs approached and she shook with barely controllable fear and anticipation. Was this the last thing she would ever see as a naive, innocent child?

"Look, there's father dressing for church."

She would never be the same again.

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