Thursday, April 21, 2005


Bethnal Green Meltdown Party

It's all kicking off up the East End, me old china! Muslims in general hating Oona. Fundamentalist Muslims gunning for George. I'll bet he doesn't know what the hell else he can do. That's his core vote. Maybe he'll salute their indefatigability. I hope so.

Ways I knew I was getting old - Number two.
After having a shower I stopped to check myself out in the mirror (not like that!) to make sure I didn't have a huge hair hanging out of my nose, or something along those lines. First of all I noticed a spot on my chin. Annoyed at still getting these fuckers well into my twenties I dealt with it and turned around to leave the bathroom. It was at that point that I noticed the thin line of hair wending it's way down the back of my neck and onto my back. Not only did I have hairy nostrils and a hirstute back, but I still had spots meaning that my body had entirely bypassed being a sexy twenty-something and had, instead, gone from to gawky teenager to middle-aged man.

We are all, every one of us, bloody idiots. We all have the capability to be brilliant and ridiculous at the self-same moment, or at least within a very short time-span. As such I present a new section with a limited lifespan called:

Hats off/Fuck off!
The Sun newspaper.
Hats off:
Well done the sub-editors for Tuesday night/Wednesday morning for there astoundingly good headline reporting that young Cardinal Ratzinger had been named Pope. Summing up a man's life, particularly one as interesting as this, is always difficult and yet they managed it with an astonishing comic flourish. The result: "From Hitler Youth to Papa Ratzi". Masterful.
Fuck off:
Having done so much good work on Wednesday, the paper then let itself down on Thursday by declaring it was backing New Labour in the election. Now, for a national newspaper to back the Government of the day is nothing to be ashamed of and is probably to be expected in large swaths of the media, however, it is the way in which The Sun came to this decision. Did it look at the different manifestoes and decide which was most in-tune with it's thinking? Did it weigh up the different political parties on one particular issue? Did it pick the one with the best-looking leader? No. It did a phone-poll and picked the one that it's readers were most likely gonna vote for in an act of cynical cowardice unmatched since the Navy blew up the Belgrano. Gotcha!

Did you know that Pope Benedict XVI parents were called Joseph and Mary? Like Craig David, he was born to do it. Also like Craig David, he's a bit of a spazz.

Reasons to hate:
John Lennon.
Number 1 - John Lennon co-wrote and sang on Elton John's 'Whatever gets you through the night'. At the time Elton's star was in the ascendency and Lennon was looking for stuff to do so it made sense, plus John was not the second-rate sappy balladeer we know now but a genuinely gifted performer/songwriter with a good ear for a tune. Unfortunately the song went to number one in America... John became a huge, international star and his big gob and potato head have been with us ever since. Bastardo!

Ever walk in and hear the end of a knock out story or fabulous joke? Annoying, isn't it? Well if you hated that, this'll drive you barmy:

Punchlines to jokes that you'll never hear again!
Number 1 - 'No, you silly bugger! I said "Which way is it to get to the ship!"'

I heard a couple of tracks from the new Oasis album yesterday on a very dodgy site. They may well be demos but they sounded pretty complete to me. One was called 'Mucky Fingers' and ws pretty much one little riff played over again with Noel singing over the top of it and then some 'Shelter from the storm' Dylan-y harmonica parts. The other was 'Let there be love' which was a demo from 'Standing on the shoulder of giants' which never got used. They've bolstered it up a little but I'm just a tad concerned that they are going back to songs from five years ago. With four songwriters in the band they couldn't produce eleven brand new songs? Hmmm... Anyway fingers crossedthat the album's good and fingers crossed that the Coldplay bubble bursts with their new album; I hate those MOR ginger-afroed nob-ends! And Keane. And bloody Snow Patrol. And Doves whilst I'm at it.

That's all the venom I've got for the moment. Laters.

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