Tuesday, April 19, 2005


Black or White?

So, we've had two lots of smoke so far. Black smoke. No decision. I'm bored already. I hope they pick Mel Gibson. That would be brilliant. Or one of my uncles. That would be even better.

Did you ever expect it to be this way? I know I didn't. I honestly thought I'd hit thirty and look good, feel good, have some money, my own home... that kind of thing. Instead I'm aqua-planing out of my twenties and straight into a mid-life crisis that'll make Peter Stringfellow look like Richard briers in 'The Good Life (or 'Good Neighbors' as it's known in the USA). Anyway, a string of events has helpfully pointed the way toward my impending middle-age and thus to my breakdown. It is these I shall chronicle in:

Ways I knew I was getting old.
No.1 - Opening 'the Guide' on a Sunday afternoon and being delighted that there was some rugby on TV. Not only does that sentence point out how middle-aged I am, it also flags up how overwhelmingly middle-class I am.

Heston Blumenthal's 'The Fat Duck' in the Berkshire village of Bray has been voted the best restaurant in the World by Restaurant Magazine. I once drove past his three Michelin starred restaurant but was, alas, too poor to be able to go inside. Other great restaurants that I have nearly been to are Marcus Wareing's Petrus at The Berkeley Hotel, Angela Hartnett at The Connaught and, of course, Restaurant Gordon Ramsay at Royal Hospital Road. In the future I hope to be too broke for Thomas Keller's French Laundry in California's Napa Valley.

You thought I'd forgotten...
Descriptions from the back of Extreme music CD 'Chemical Beats' (XCD 045):
Track: No.7 Tool Time
Description: Got An Uzi, Gonna Uzee?

I haven't mentioned Michael Jackson yet and feel that I probably should. Hmmm... what to say? It has been an astonishingly uninteresting case so far... Er... that's it. Who cares? He probably didn't do it, but he's probably done it before so everyone's lying in some way, so whatever the outcome it'll be wrong. Right, I can tick that box.

One last thing, go to the link below and sign up. Sign up your friends, your family... whoever. Arrested Development is a stupidly funny TV show from Fox TV (the channel who confirmed the Pope's death). It has been universally praised by critics, apart from Bonnie whoeversheis on Late Review, and Jason Bateman won an Emmy for it. It's like a mix between The Office and The Simpsons and features, amongst many others, Liza Minelli, Ron Howard, Jeffry Tambor, Portia De Rossi and Henry Winkler. The problem is the vast majority of American and British TV audiences have the mental capacity of a wheelbarrow with Downs syndrome, and so nobody's watching the show which means Fox want to cancel it. Sign up and 'Get Arrested' and they may not... although they probably will. Do it; one day you'll be thankful that you did.
Thank you.

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