Thursday, April 14, 2005



Have you heard Kilroy-Silk? What a man. He's seen that what we needed in Britain was a party that was slightly more racist than the Tories, slightly less racist than the BNP. It's good to see a party leader urging less tolerance in these troubled times. Mr. Kilroy-Silk, I salute you.

Talking of cunts, have you seen Sky News lately. What a laugh. Hour after hour of the greatest spoof news footage I have ever seen. Here's a quote from their web-site:

"...who'd have guessed stunning Oscar-winning actress Halle Berry is half-English? She still enjoys a very close relationship with her Liverpudlian mum Judy, a retired psychiatric nurse."

Amazing. And they say satire is dead. Still, not as bad as the ITV News Channel.

Things I saw in Soho this lunchtime:
A young lady ringing the doorbell of a lap-dancing club.
A tramp on all fours in the middle of the road.
Helen Bonham-Carter looking like a character from 'Cats'.
A lot of men with very plucked eyebrows.
A male colleague of mine looking shifty on the gayest road in Britain.

Descriptions from the back of Extreme music's 'Chemical Beats' (XCD 045):
Track 2: Psyhco (sic) Slam
Description: Blisterin' Burnin' Bass Turbine

Reasons to hate Mel Smith:
Number 3 - This was taken from the first Google group entry I came across:

"To add to my already vast predjudice towards the gross and hugely unfunny Mel Smith, my brother once had the misfortune of having to wait upon the fat git and his friends at a very exclusive hotel in Glasgow...he said they were rude, obnoxious, fat ( mel smith never acts, he obviously just IS :) ) ...i could go on..but to cut it short they didn't know how to behave and Smith was the worst of the lot..and to top it..he was a tight bastard and didn't leave a big enough tip!!!"

You don't have to look far.

At 9.00 tomorrow morning the nations optimists will be hitting the phones and banging away on their computers. With hope in their heart and not a little nervousness Oasis fans all over the South East of England, and maybe a few from further afield, will be hitting refresh and redial buttons in a vain attempt to get one of the pitifully few tickets available for the band's London shows. I may be one of them. Part of me really doesn't want to play ball; if they had any respect for their fans they wouldn't make them clamour for a handful of tickets and charge them over £30 quid for the luxury, particularly when playing shit-heaps like the Astoria. What a dump! Small, sweaty, stinky, £3.00 for a can of Stella and God alone knows what that is on the floor of the gents! However... it's Oasis. They're my team. It's like football. Premiership or Conference, it doesn't really matter. Expect me to be sixty quid lighter tomorrow.

"Whoah. Check out that guy. He makes Speedy Gonzales look like Regular Gonzalez."

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