Wednesday, April 13, 2005


Look yonder: A star!

"Did you see them? Weren't they lovely? So convincing. Little Anthony is such a good boy. So clever. And big John: marvellous. His line about extending the M25; real conviction. Young Ruth didn't muck up her lines either. Steered well clear of Jamie Oliver and school dinners as instructed. Well done that girl."

You've got to take your hat off to them; they've been in office for eight years and still have the gall to talk about what they are going to do. I'm trying to remember back to the last manifesto... did it mention inciting the largest peace-time demonstration that Britain has ever seen? The death and maiming of thousands of Iraqi civilians and hundreds of servicemen? Of course it didn't... but I think Oliver Letwin may have mentioned it for the Tories.

In a week where we have seen the Government temporarily bailing out Rover it's good to know that at least one aspect of our industry is working at full production. I am, of course, talking about library music. Library music, for those not in the know, is that music you hear in the background on cheap TV programmes like 'Property Ladder' and 'Masterchef' published specifically for that use and much cheaper than any chart music. It is, in the main, appalling but not as bad as the descriptions that you find on the backs of the CD cases. Examples, you say? I proudly present...

Quotes from the Extreme music CD 'Chemical Beats':

Track 1: Hell-Bent
Description: Heavy Duty Deviant Jack Hammer

You can hear it in your head now, can't you? More tomorrow where I can promise you a spelling mistake from the CD itself! Ooooo...

The Champions League match between Inter and AC Milan last night was halted after the AC goalkeeper Dida was struck by flares thrown by Inter fans after AC Milan went 3-0 up. Hooliganism, flares... It's like the bad old days of the seventies all over again.

Just time for:
Reason's to hate Mel Smith No.2:
In 2000 Mel, along with Griff Rhys-Jones and Peter Fincham sold the independent production company Talkback pocketing £62,000,000 between them, Smith and Jones pocketing around £50,000,000 alone.
Now, have a little think about that... Mel Smith and Griff Rhys-Jones. You know, the one's that your dad liked. The ones who were in Wilt. Did a skit on 'The Two Ronnies' called 'The Two Ninnies'. Remember? Yeah? Well if you took all the money that you will ever make, and any money that your friends ever make, and double it... they've still got more. You know you're hating him just a little bit more.

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