Monday, April 25, 2005


Round at Ross's!

Int. Day - Jonathan Ross's front room
JONATHAN enjoys forty winks on the sofa. Around him various animals snooze and sigh. The doorbell rings.

Jonathan (waking):
Oh no! Who could that be?

Enter TV's RICKY GERVAIS in tennis gear.

Hey! Alright Jonathan? Up for a couple of sets of tennis? I'll bet you a cat I win.

Sorry Ricky, I can't; I put my back out moving a chest last night.

What's that? A new piece of furniture?

No. I was bathing the wife.

Cue: Audience laughter & applause.

Next week: David Baddiel and Richard E. Grant pop round to borrow various condiments.

(Idea stolen from Two-Face at Moving The Goalposts)

Ways I knew I was getting old #3:
Antiques Roadshow is now a viable option for Sunday afternoon viewing. I find myself guessing how much items are going to be worth. I am a twat.

If black is meant to be slimming, how come so many goths are still fucking enormous?

Reasons for hating John Lennon:
Number two: Sunday Bloody Sunday
As Lennon approached his thirty-second birthday a creeping realisation approached that he had wasted much of his life singing songs and making films that really didn't matter much. He set his mind to more political ideals and the resultant 'Some time in New York City' was released in April 1972 (September 1972 in the UK). On it was the song 'Sunday Bloody Sunday' in which Lennon, with all of his vast and detailed knowledge of the subject, attempted to solve the Irish problem in three minutes. His heavy-handed approach is shown magnificently in the third verse where he states:

You anglo pigs and scotties
Sent to colonize the North
You wave your bloody Union Jack
And you know what it's worth!
How dare you hold to ransom
A people proud and free
Keep Ireland for the Irish
Put the English back to sea!

Apparently unaware that many of the Unionists in the North had in fact been born there, Lennon continued to write nonsensical "political" songs from his mansion-sized appartment in New York for some time.

Punchlines to jokes that you'll never hear again!
"If I'd wanted it to look like that, I'd have pulled it myself!"

I never thought I'd say it but the BNP have got a couple of ideas that I could really go with; giving all of their members a shotgun is, I believe, an absolute bloody winner. With any luck the no-thumbed numbnuts that sign up for that misanthropic shower of shit that calls itself a political party will blast themselves and their sink estate, window-smashing, arsonistic offspring into kingdom come and leave this glorious island for the rest of us to enjoy life on, with all of it's many and varied multicultural joys.

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