Thursday, June 02, 2005


Penis and testical japes.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. I had lost my virginity, but to a great uncle. From that moment to this my voracious sexual appetite has gotten me into one or two scrapes and a number of very, very sticky situations. Here, for the first time, I try to come to terms with one of the more damaging aspects of my character which, alongside a poor attitude to cleanliness and a spiraling heroin addiction, has left everyone chortling for sometime.

Ah yes, young Sophia; an Italian Contessa who's father had ensured her prominent rise through society by attaching a dowry of 20,000,000 lira (£32) to her, Sophia was everything you ever wanted in a woman. In fact, at twenty-seven stones she was at least double of everything you'd ever want in a woman but, nonetheless, I bedded her. She was a passionate, firey, classically latinate woman but her insistance on stopping for cake halfway through love-making was enough for me to call the whole thing off. After seconds.

Pretty Janey was a slight, fragile creature with only her insanity for company. Serving ten years for the sexual assault of an Olympic greek-wrestler, our coitus had to be conducted with the written consent of the warden and under the watchful gaze of at least three guards. Eventually Janey moved on to relations with the three guards under mine own watchful gaze and it was then that I knew we must part.

During my brief tenure as Her Majesty's Ambassador toThe People's Republic of Spiriz Island (Population: 112) just off of the coast of Brazil I met the beautiful Paulette. She had everything that the women of 1940's Britain did not, including a full ration of tits. Our love-making was nothing short of remarkable. In fact, I remember a number of people actually remarking upon it, many of them asking us to take it outside whilst they continued with the christening we were attending at the time.

A loyal, beloved companion who is now in a better place, in that big litter box in the sky.

David Niven.
It was just after he had completed filming for the initial 'Pink Panther' movie that I met David. His sparkling blue eyes and genteel, charming manner turned me to putty in his hands. The following four weeks were some of the best times I have ever had and I can never see his picture without thinking of his lovely wrinkled forehead framed by my kneecaps.

Beautiful memories, I'm sure you'll agree.

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