Thursday, June 09, 2005


Vengeance is mine.

When one is as old as I most clearly am, one starts to ponder the past, to consider how one could have done things differently and maybe, just maybe, made the World a better place for others to live in. One also thinks of all the two-bit, arse-sucking bastards who thought they could get the better of me. Think again piss-end 'cos the latest installment of my astonishing (and inexpensive) memoirs are guaranteed to make you all look like open-ended tit bags that you actually are:

Joanna Lumley
Billiard-ball sucking Lummers was once my sister's nanny until father caught her at the business end of a fire-poker. She was immediately banished from Chez Goodballoon and told never to darken our door again. We let her keep the poker.

'Ratty' Harris
'Ratty' or 'Rolf' as he later insisted on being known was one of my bunk-mates at St. Humphreys' College, Cambridge, and it is with absolutely no nostalgia whatsoever that I remember him constantly prodding me in the side with his favourite tin-whistle. He even made me blow it once.

Percy Thrower
I'm glad I ruined your garden, you shit!

Michael Hestletine
When Tarzan told me of his plans for the miners I laughed and laughed and laughed. He then told me of his plans for my wife Cecille and, I must admit, my sense of humour somewhat failed me. Thankfully their plans to elope fell after Michael had a heart attack just after having rather energetic anal sex with Cecille at our villa in Spain. Who had the last laugh there then, Michael? Eh? Eh?

Groucho Marx
Groucho once told me I was a talentless hack with only my calloused fist for company. In return I can reveal that Groucho's moustache was, in fact, painted on. So were his eyebrows! One all I think, Groucho old chap.

Ernest Hemingway

Denis Norden
Denis has persisted in airing a clip on his, so-called, 'Laughter File' of myself and Eddie Large engaged in a comedy skit based upon the hit film of the time 'Stir Crazy', with me filling the role of Gene Wilder and Eddie blacked up as Richard Pryor. Unfortunately for Eddie I was at the time, on a rather large dosage of antidepressants which caused certain momentary lapses in judgement. This performance was one such occasion and my screaming of the word "eddiecuntholetitsucker" for fifteen minutes haunts me to this day. I wish I could convince Eddie to black up again except this time it'd be "deniscuntholetitsucker" that I'd be shouting.

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