Friday, September 30, 2005


An audience with Jasper Goodballoon

In 1987 Jasper Goodballon was offered, and excepted, an exclusive hour-long “An audience with…” TV special on Britain's ITV Network. Filmed at LWT’s studios at Upper Ground on the south bank of the Thames, the programme was a disaster from start to finish and goes some way in explaining Jasper’s absence from our television screens over the past eighteen years. Never broadcast, what follows is a partial extract from the recording:

(Audience applause)

Goodballoon: Hello. Hello. Thank you, thank you and welcome to this the first ‘Audience with Jasper Goodballoon'.


Goodballoon: You’re too kind. Too kind. What a pleasure it is to be standing here on this stage in London’s glamorous South Bank. Looking around me I can see a great many famous faces: Shirley Bassey. Lovely Shirley. How are you dear?

Bassey: Happier for seeing you, Jasper.

Goodballoon: You’re too kind, my love. Don’t you look fabulous? Doesn’t she everyone?


Goodballoon: Beautiful. Had your t*ts done have you? They look bigger.

(At this point a Floor Manager crosses the studio and quietly speaks to Jasper. Jasper, obviously exasperated, argues with the man. The following can be heard)

Goodballoon: Well she has. I’ve seen them matey and I can assure you they’re bigger.

Floor Manager: (Inaudible.)

Goodballoon: Well f**k her! She’s just annoyed because those nice Norwegian boys have nicked her one and only gig. Someone should tell her you can’t polish a turd.

Floor Manager: (Inaudible.)

Goodballoon: But I don’t want to talk to that p***k!

Floor Manager: (Inaudible.)

Goodballoon: Why? Because he’s a drunken c**t! A bum! Talking of which, strictly entre-nous, we did have a little fling a few years ago. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the first. (Whispers) Could’ve put your foot in there.

Floor Manager: (Inaudible.)

Goodballoon: Fine. I’ll speak to him. Try to find something to say to the boring old tart.

(The Floor Manager crosses back across the studio floor and counts Jasper back in.)

Floor Manager: Okay. And in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

Goodballoon: Thank you, thank you. So many famous faces… is that the lovely Ian ‘Beefy’ Botham?

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