Saturday, January 21, 2006
Harpoon
The National Commission on Terrorist Attacks Upon the United States (also known as the 9-11 Commission) is an independent, bipartisan commission created by congressional legislation under the signature of President George W. Bush in late 2002. What follows are the minutes from a hearing held in March 2004:
NATIONAL COMMISSION ON TERRORIST ATTACKS UPON THE UNITED STATES
Ninth Public Hearing
Monday, March 29, 2004
Hart Senate Office Building
Washington, DC
CHAIRED BY: THOMAS H. KEAN
WITNESS: JASPER GOODBALLOON, BROADCASTER FOR AL-ZAQUAARI TELEVISION, QATAR CHAIR: THOMAS H. KEAN; VICE CHAIR: LEE H. HAMILTON
ROOM 216 HART SENATE OFFICE BUILDING, WASHINGTON, D.C.
9:03 A.M. EDT, MONDAY, MARCH 29, 2004
MR KEAN: Good morning. Mr. Goodballoon, we bid you a most cordial welcome to the Commission.
MR GOODBALLOON: Yes.
MR KEAN: I'm sorry, Sir?
MR GOODBALLOON: Thank you. What?
MR KEAN: Mr Goodballoon, I have asked you here this morning to ask you about only one aspect of the events of September 11 or rather, more accurately, September 10.
MR GOODBALLOON: Yes. I'm afraid I don't have my diary with me.
MR KEAN: Your diary, Sir?
MR GOODBALLOON: My diary. You are asking me to remember some events from, what, ten years ago?
MR KEAN: I'm asking you about the events of September 11, 2001.
MR GOODBALLOON: And you expect me to remember what I was doing?
MR KEAN: I could remind you if you'd like.
MR GOODBALLOON: Would you, love?
MR KEAN: Sir, during the period of time during which the momentous events of September 11 occured you were working from a Qatar based television station as a presenter.
MR GOODBALLOON: Oh, right.
MR KEAN: Would you like to tell us how you came to work at this broadcaster?
MR GOODBALLOON: I'd run into a little bother in Britain and felt I was not being fully appreciated in my home country. I was made an offer in one of the desert states... I can't remember which one.
MR KEAN: Qatar.
MR GOODBALLOON: Hmmmm?
MR KEAN: Qatar, Sir.
MR GOODBALLOON: Oh yes. Anyway I took the rupee, or whatever the tans pay you in until I had had enough. I think I worked there for three weeks.
MR KEAN: Yes, and it was during these three weeks that you were to report on the September 11 attacks.
MR GOODBALLOON: That's right.
MR KEAN: It is this part that is most interesting to me, Mr Goodballoon. You reported on the attack on the World Trade Centre.
MR GOODBALLOON: Yes.
MR KEAN: You were one of the first broadcasters to announce the attack?
MR GOODBALLOON: The very first, Sir.
MR KEAN: Indeed. In fact, is it not the case that you announced the commencement of the attack a full thirteen hours before they actually occured?
MR GOODBALLOON: That is right. There was a mix up with time-zones. My fault entirely. Donald was so angry.
MR KEAN: Donald?
MR GOODBALLOON: Rummy. Rumsfeld. He was livid. Told me I'd let the cat out of the bag. Made golf very frosty for a few weeks.
MR KEAN: Mr Goodballoon, are you alleging that Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld had some prior knowledge of the events of September 11?
THE REST OF THIS TRANSCRIPT HAS BEEN CLASSIFIED AS TOP SECRET AND UNAVAILABLE FOR CIRCULATION WITHOUT THE HIGHEST SECURITY CLEARANCE. CONTACT THE DEFENSE DEPARTMENT FOR MORE INFORMATION.
NATIONAL COMMISSION ON TERRORIST ATTACKS UPON THE UNITED STATES
Ninth Public Hearing
Monday, March 29, 2004
Hart Senate Office Building
Washington, DC
CHAIRED BY: THOMAS H. KEAN
WITNESS: JASPER GOODBALLOON, BROADCASTER FOR AL-ZAQUAARI TELEVISION, QATAR CHAIR: THOMAS H. KEAN; VICE CHAIR: LEE H. HAMILTON
ROOM 216 HART SENATE OFFICE BUILDING, WASHINGTON, D.C.
9:03 A.M. EDT, MONDAY, MARCH 29, 2004
MR KEAN: Good morning. Mr. Goodballoon, we bid you a most cordial welcome to the Commission.
MR GOODBALLOON: Yes.
MR KEAN: I'm sorry, Sir?
MR GOODBALLOON: Thank you. What?
MR KEAN: Mr Goodballoon, I have asked you here this morning to ask you about only one aspect of the events of September 11 or rather, more accurately, September 10.
MR GOODBALLOON: Yes. I'm afraid I don't have my diary with me.
MR KEAN: Your diary, Sir?
MR GOODBALLOON: My diary. You are asking me to remember some events from, what, ten years ago?
MR KEAN: I'm asking you about the events of September 11, 2001.
MR GOODBALLOON: And you expect me to remember what I was doing?
MR KEAN: I could remind you if you'd like.
MR GOODBALLOON: Would you, love?
MR KEAN: Sir, during the period of time during which the momentous events of September 11 occured you were working from a Qatar based television station as a presenter.
MR GOODBALLOON: Oh, right.
MR KEAN: Would you like to tell us how you came to work at this broadcaster?
MR GOODBALLOON: I'd run into a little bother in Britain and felt I was not being fully appreciated in my home country. I was made an offer in one of the desert states... I can't remember which one.
MR KEAN: Qatar.
MR GOODBALLOON: Hmmmm?
MR KEAN: Qatar, Sir.
MR GOODBALLOON: Oh yes. Anyway I took the rupee, or whatever the tans pay you in until I had had enough. I think I worked there for three weeks.
MR KEAN: Yes, and it was during these three weeks that you were to report on the September 11 attacks.
MR GOODBALLOON: That's right.
MR KEAN: It is this part that is most interesting to me, Mr Goodballoon. You reported on the attack on the World Trade Centre.
MR GOODBALLOON: Yes.
MR KEAN: You were one of the first broadcasters to announce the attack?
MR GOODBALLOON: The very first, Sir.
MR KEAN: Indeed. In fact, is it not the case that you announced the commencement of the attack a full thirteen hours before they actually occured?
MR GOODBALLOON: That is right. There was a mix up with time-zones. My fault entirely. Donald was so angry.
MR KEAN: Donald?
MR GOODBALLOON: Rummy. Rumsfeld. He was livid. Told me I'd let the cat out of the bag. Made golf very frosty for a few weeks.
MR KEAN: Mr Goodballoon, are you alleging that Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld had some prior knowledge of the events of September 11?
THE REST OF THIS TRANSCRIPT HAS BEEN CLASSIFIED AS TOP SECRET AND UNAVAILABLE FOR CIRCULATION WITHOUT THE HIGHEST SECURITY CLEARANCE. CONTACT THE DEFENSE DEPARTMENT FOR MORE INFORMATION.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Goodballoon's review of 2005
Well! What a year! What a gay old time! What a lot of exclamation marks! Blah-de-blah!
January:
Relieved that 2004 was over with for another eternity, I found my way to the Congo where I did what I could to help the local economy. The so-called "blood diamonds" I bought sold for quite a pretty penny. Enjoy them, Your Majesty.
February:
The winter days drag on and I find myself with little to do but revel in memories of past derring-do and brief encounters with sandy-haired boys and heavy-breasted young ladies. I then remember that I am a predatory millionaire with virtually no scruples and immediately book myself a ticket to California and await spring-break. Whatever that is. I also have Hunter S. Thompson killed for being annoying.
March:
Awaiting Spring-break.
April:
Awaiting Spring-break. John Mills dies. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Told you I'd win.
May:
Return to London somewhat depressed. Receive a letter from my solicitors informing me of the Jury's decision in the Niven family's case against me. I have the dog neutered as a mark of my anger. Not my dog, obviously.
June:
No thank you, I've just had a cup.
July:
Live8, G8, Olympic fever and the London bombings: you'd think it impossible to miss through that lot, wouldn't you? I must start reading the papers more.
August:
An invite to holiday with the Blairs arrives in the post and who am I to say no? I pop in Harvey Nicks to buy some trunks when I am confronted by the most horrendous sight. It is my penis and the last time I saw it without an adolescent or a nurse attached to it I was the brighter side of fifty. Urgh!
September:
Mists of mellow fruitfulness and all that. Mick Jagger pops in to show me his new dueling scar. Is it me or does he look ill? It's me. I think it's cancer.
October:
I'm with Harold Pinter when he is informed of his Nobel Prize win. He can't believe it. I can't believe it. Pause. Silence. I cross the room and look out of the window. A knock at the door. Who can that be? Pause. It's Harold; he's locked himself out.
November:
Lichfield's dead. That only leaves me and Bill Deedes. That money's mine for sure.
December:
Another year done, another set of entirely irrelevent year in review items... can you think of anything more boring to read? I can't. Imagine being the poor bastards who have to write them. Saps!
Seeing dandruff 2005 - What's winking 2006?
January:
Relieved that 2004 was over with for another eternity, I found my way to the Congo where I did what I could to help the local economy. The so-called "blood diamonds" I bought sold for quite a pretty penny. Enjoy them, Your Majesty.
February:
The winter days drag on and I find myself with little to do but revel in memories of past derring-do and brief encounters with sandy-haired boys and heavy-breasted young ladies. I then remember that I am a predatory millionaire with virtually no scruples and immediately book myself a ticket to California and await spring-break. Whatever that is. I also have Hunter S. Thompson killed for being annoying.
March:
Awaiting Spring-break.
April:
Awaiting Spring-break. John Mills dies. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Told you I'd win.
May:
Return to London somewhat depressed. Receive a letter from my solicitors informing me of the Jury's decision in the Niven family's case against me. I have the dog neutered as a mark of my anger. Not my dog, obviously.
June:
No thank you, I've just had a cup.
July:
Live8, G8, Olympic fever and the London bombings: you'd think it impossible to miss through that lot, wouldn't you? I must start reading the papers more.
August:
An invite to holiday with the Blairs arrives in the post and who am I to say no? I pop in Harvey Nicks to buy some trunks when I am confronted by the most horrendous sight. It is my penis and the last time I saw it without an adolescent or a nurse attached to it I was the brighter side of fifty. Urgh!
September:
Mists of mellow fruitfulness and all that. Mick Jagger pops in to show me his new dueling scar. Is it me or does he look ill? It's me. I think it's cancer.
October:
I'm with Harold Pinter when he is informed of his Nobel Prize win. He can't believe it. I can't believe it. Pause. Silence. I cross the room and look out of the window. A knock at the door. Who can that be? Pause. It's Harold; he's locked himself out.
November:
Lichfield's dead. That only leaves me and Bill Deedes. That money's mine for sure.
December:
Another year done, another set of entirely irrelevent year in review items... can you think of anything more boring to read? I can't. Imagine being the poor bastards who have to write them. Saps!
Seeing dandruff 2005 - What's winking 2006?
