Saturday, March 04, 2006



Hello there. Sorry it's been a while but I've been defending myself against some silly trumped-up charges in Italy about paying and or accepting some money for something else or whatever. I don't remember all the details but I have a cunning plan on how to get out of it: when it seems that the moment has come when my guilt is beyond doubt I shall merely divorce my wife and get a good friend to say I was entirely innocent. On an entirely different subject Tony Blair has said that God will be his only judge on the Gulf War. Fair enough, eh? Here are a few things that only God can judge me on:

- The "insert name here" crew:
This was a group of freelance football hooligans that I ran that could be employed at any football league club that needed their services during the 1980's. We went wherever our services were needed and could be afforded by those willing to pay. We beat the living bejesus out of anyone who needed a whack. KnowwhatImean? No, neither do I.

- Diana:
I felt awful when that happened. Really awful. But Paris is the ideal place to get over doing somehing like that and soon enough I was on the road to recovery.

- Mark Oaten:
I wish I'd never given him that number now.

- Mr Bell's Pastry-brush:
"The worst book ever written with the exception of Mr Goodballoon's last book: 'Mr Bell's Pastry'." - Peter Hitchens

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