Thursday, January 18, 2007


A letter from Peter Hain


Thanks for taking this moment to spend some time with me in order for me to fully... er... explain something I need to get off of my chest.

The more observant of you may remember that, a short while ago, I took part in a vote in Parliament to aid the Americans in a pre-emptive attack on Iraq. The number-crunchers out there will possibly also remember that I was a member of the cabinet that put the issue to Parliament in the first place. Whilst I stick by the decision to, quite irrationally, assist the Americans in their noble, murderous crusade it has now become clear to me that the American's brave actions, and therefore ours, were entirely misguided and have opened a Pandora's box of bloodshed and mayhem that will take all of our children's lifetimes to put right.

Many of you, unlike us in cabinet or the comedian Ben Elton, were quite aware that the intelligence we had invented was quite nonsensical. You saw through it as we should have done. You realised it was false and highly improbable. You marched in your hundreds of thousands against it and the war whilst we warned of Mr Hussain's potential lethality. We were very, very silly. Everybody who was in cabinet at the time (barring ex-Foreign Minister Robin Cook) believed every bloody word of it. God bless us, we were dopey, weren't we? Sorry about that.

With the impending Deputy Leadership contest in the Labour Party it has come time for me and other mercenary, turncoat ministers like me to try to appear more human, more intelligent, more loving than the others. I hope that by pointing at the Americans and shouting "Spaz!" I have put enough light between myself and the other candidates so that those of you eligible to vote for me will do so in your hundreds.

That's all. Thanks a lot for reading this and please remember it was the Americans that made us do it. We didn't want to. Honest.

Lots of love,

Peter x

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