Friday, January 12, 2007
My time as a star!
I have, from time to time to thyme, flirted with a certain bitch-slut mistress called Madame Celebrity. As anyone who has been on Big Brother, The X Factor or Crimewatch will attest it is not always the blow-job, smack party that it's cracked up to be.
In the mid 1980's I had a medium-sized part in a Hollywood movie which paid a great deal of money for the old rope I had on offer (and offer it I did). Alas, I realised far too late that part of the Devil deal I entered into meant doing the publicity circuit to 'plug' the film. One of the final stops on our tour de farce (clever, oui?) was on David Letterman's programme. Here is a transcript:
"Letterman:
My second guest tonight is... well he's a wonderful actor. A really great British actor from... er... London. He's starring in this great new movie that's out in theaters next week. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jasper Goodballoon.
Goodballoon walks out to some applause and a dinner-jazz version of 99 Red balloons.
Letterman:
Jasper, welcome to the show.
Goodballoon:
Thank you for having me.
Letterman:
Now your in this... let me get this straight... you're in this movie 'Curtis and Bing', is that right?
Goodballoon:
Yes. I play Dr. Lancifer, the kindly old professor who helps young Curtis and his dog bing to defeat the evil Mr. Humbles. It's a...
Letterman:
Now, let me get this straight, you are a professor. Is that right?
Goodballoon:
In the film.
Letterman:
Yes. Of course.(Pause) Are you a professor in real life?
Goodballoon:
No, I'm an actor and socialite.
Letterman:
Socialite. Like a Communist.
Goodballoon:
No. I hate Communists.
A whoop comes from the audience. Jasper, unused to American symbols of celebration and agreement, takes this as a sign of aggression.
Goodballoon:
What? What's wrong with you people?
Letterman:
They were showing their appreciation.
Goodballoon:
Of what?
Letterman:
At the fact that you are not a fan of Communism.
Goodballoon (nervous):
Oh...
Letterman:
So the film 'Curtis and Bing'...
Goodballoon:
Yes. It's an exciting action-adventure with...
Letterman:
Do we have a clip?
Goodballon:
Sorry, I hadn't finished.
Letterman (mock English accent):
Yeeewww haaarrrdddn'ttt feennissshhheddddd?
Goodballoon:
What are you doing?
Letterman (mock English):
Woottt aarrrrreeee yeeeewww dduuuiiiinnnggg?
Goodballoon:
Try this in that accent: You.
Letterman:
Yyyeeewww.
Goodballoon:
Are.
Letterman:
Aarrreeee.
Goodballoon:
Easy one. "A"
Letterman:
Ahhhhh.
Goodballoon:
C*nt.
Letterman (quietly):
What is this? A bit?
Goodballoon:
What are you whispering to me? Leave me alone you gap-toothed prat! God, this is too much.
Letterman gives a nervous laugh. He reaches over and sniffs the mug that is in front of Jasper
Letterman (calling off):
Okay, can we have more water than whisky next time.
Goodballoon:
Is that it? Is that the best you can do? Stuck without eight writers and a cue-card, are you? Jesus! You don't get this with Russell Harty. He's always a pr*ck. You need a team of fifteen producers to do it.
Letterman:
Okay. We're going to go to an ad whilst we try to squeeze some of the juice out of Mr Goodballoon. Don't go away.
Music."
Aftermath:
The interview finished there and I was shoved out of their studio.
Upon release my part had been cut to almost nothing. My sole remaining line was "Curtis, you are wise beyond your years. As are you Bing."
I am not allowed into America during election years.
In the mid 1980's I had a medium-sized part in a Hollywood movie which paid a great deal of money for the old rope I had on offer (and offer it I did). Alas, I realised far too late that part of the Devil deal I entered into meant doing the publicity circuit to 'plug' the film. One of the final stops on our tour de farce (clever, oui?) was on David Letterman's programme. Here is a transcript:
"Letterman:
My second guest tonight is... well he's a wonderful actor. A really great British actor from... er... London. He's starring in this great new movie that's out in theaters next week. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jasper Goodballoon.
Goodballoon walks out to some applause and a dinner-jazz version of 99 Red balloons.
Letterman:
Jasper, welcome to the show.
Goodballoon:
Thank you for having me.
Letterman:
Now your in this... let me get this straight... you're in this movie 'Curtis and Bing', is that right?
Goodballoon:
Yes. I play Dr. Lancifer, the kindly old professor who helps young Curtis and his dog bing to defeat the evil Mr. Humbles. It's a...
Letterman:
Now, let me get this straight, you are a professor. Is that right?
Goodballoon:
In the film.
Letterman:
Yes. Of course.(Pause) Are you a professor in real life?
Goodballoon:
No, I'm an actor and socialite.
Letterman:
Socialite. Like a Communist.
Goodballoon:
No. I hate Communists.
A whoop comes from the audience. Jasper, unused to American symbols of celebration and agreement, takes this as a sign of aggression.
Goodballoon:
What? What's wrong with you people?
Letterman:
They were showing their appreciation.
Goodballoon:
Of what?
Letterman:
At the fact that you are not a fan of Communism.
Goodballoon (nervous):
Oh...
Letterman:
So the film 'Curtis and Bing'...
Goodballoon:
Yes. It's an exciting action-adventure with...
Letterman:
Do we have a clip?
Goodballon:
Sorry, I hadn't finished.
Letterman (mock English accent):
Yeeewww haaarrrdddn'ttt feennissshhheddddd?
Goodballoon:
What are you doing?
Letterman (mock English):
Woottt aarrrrreeee yeeeewww dduuuiiiinnnggg?
Goodballoon:
Try this in that accent: You.
Letterman:
Yyyeeewww.
Goodballoon:
Are.
Letterman:
Aarrreeee.
Goodballoon:
Easy one. "A"
Letterman:
Ahhhhh.
Goodballoon:
C*nt.
Letterman (quietly):
What is this? A bit?
Goodballoon:
What are you whispering to me? Leave me alone you gap-toothed prat! God, this is too much.
Letterman gives a nervous laugh. He reaches over and sniffs the mug that is in front of Jasper
Letterman (calling off):
Okay, can we have more water than whisky next time.
Goodballoon:
Is that it? Is that the best you can do? Stuck without eight writers and a cue-card, are you? Jesus! You don't get this with Russell Harty. He's always a pr*ck. You need a team of fifteen producers to do it.
Letterman:
Okay. We're going to go to an ad whilst we try to squeeze some of the juice out of Mr Goodballoon. Don't go away.
Music."
Aftermath:
The interview finished there and I was shoved out of their studio.
Upon release my part had been cut to almost nothing. My sole remaining line was "Curtis, you are wise beyond your years. As are you Bing."
I am not allowed into America during election years.
