Tuesday, January 30, 2007


You love me! You really love me!

"Thank you, thank you. Please sit down. Please.
(Pause as audience takes it's seat)
Thank you so much for this award; it means such a great deal. When I was a little boy growing up on our farm in Rhodesia, I would summon our slaves around me and would tell them I would one day be a huge film star, a towering presence on the stage, and be the author of a top-selling novel. The servants would shuffle around and communicate to one another in their own language, occasionally spitting towards me as a sign of respect. They loved me, but not as much as the members of the academy who voted for me to win this prize.
(More applause).
Whilst clearly this award is solely for me and my own efforts I would like to point out that I am moderately assisted in my endeavours by some skilled technicians who make me look moderately better than I already am. I am, of course, talking about my hairdresser. I look lustrous and thick and that is down to you Gianni, wherever you are.
(Gentle applause)
Thank you. There are those that say "Awards mean nothing. They are trinkets for fools who crave acceptance because they are dead inside." Those people have never one an award. I have and I think it's the greatest thing that will ever happen to me. Mind you, I thought that when I took part in that orgy with Sophia Loren but that is a distant second now. Oh! I see the band leader revving up; I better be quick. Let me just say that if this means half as much to you as it does to me then it probably means twice as much to those watching as it could ever mean to those of us in the room. I think Oscar Wilde put it best. Good night."

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