Goodballoon's paunch

Cricket. What a game. Fast. Frustrating. Exciting. Sensual. A mother. A lover. A brother. The other (a bit of). I can't wait for it to finish so that we can start looking forward to the next Ashes. Bring it on! Never been much a sportsman myself; I dallied with the idea of exercise. I've dallied with a great many ideas in my lifetime, but alas, many were so far ahead of the accepted mores of the period that I was made a social outcast rather than lauded as the visionary that I clearly am. Some of those ideas are still considered risque in these more open-minded times. I remember an idea dreamt up by myself and the late Sylvia Plath that made narrow-minded Ted Hughes go quite red with anger. Sylvia was a fun-loving old broad who quite often shocked me with her vagina. It was enormous and the angriest crimson colour you've ever seen. Lovely stuff.

Stoicism: Such an over-rated virtue. London is currently full of so many people with a stiff-upper-lip. Marvellous I suppose, but one wonders where they were when that blonde, hollow-arsed, breeding mare Diana shunted herself into a brick wall in Paris. Mind you, if I was stuck on a boat with Dodi Fayed I'd probably do the same. Actually, I was on a boat with Dodi once, but he was four and I was entertaining his cock of a father on Dirk Bogarde's boat trying to score some skag for Irene Handel. Didn't get any; the fat fuck tried to sell me his neice's arse instead. Anyway, people are being very brave and saying the terrorists won't change their lives, but I'm incredibly scared and here are just some of the ways my life has been altered:

• I no longer use public transport. I never did preferring, instead, the sedate pleasure of a 1985 Vauxhall Cavalier, but you get the gist.
• I cannot read the newspapers without a sense of immending doom This is as much to do with my pending court dates as anything: one more under-age boy horror story and I'm for the chop.
• I won't speak to Arabs. Or blacks. Unless they're rich.
• I'm eating more bran.
• I'm increasingly chipper.
• I've seen Livingstone sobbing. Twice.
• My shares in Quantic Explosives Ltd have gone through the roof.

So as you can see, all-in-all, the bombings on London have left me with a real can-do attitude and a real sense of optimism. Well done chaps. Onwards and upwards.