Goodballoon's paunch

Wanna laugh? Head over to The Pleasure of the Harbour and take a look at Andy's telly. Sort out your aspect-ratio you nob. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

I should get out more.

Yeddip! That's Jewish for "hello". Just thought you'd like to know. I picked that up from Lord Levy. He's a lovely old Jewbag: friendly and happy and cuddly and tricky. A cracking fella. I first ran into him back in 1983 when he was lining up groupies for Alvin Stardust to "boff". We ran into each other from time to time, sometimes at official functions in Whitehall, sometimes at unofficial functions in the darker corners of Soho. Mickey used to put on the most marvelous parties which he called his "no-taxers" - something that used to make us all roar with laughter. Occasionally he would put on Michael Burke's report on the original 1984 Ethiopian drought and make everyone laugh and have a shot of scotch whenever a kiddie swallowed a fly. Gay times!

Last April Michael offered me the chance to take a seat in the Lords for the bargain basement price of £750,000. Of course I took it; elevation to the highest echelons of society had been my dream since my father had bought my place at Eton. I immediately embezzled some cash from various businesses and clients, not least that fuckwit Lipp, and coughed up. Did I get the Lordship? Am I now clad in ermine, reclining on leather banquettes at the taxpayers expense? Do you really think I'd be talking to you no-class plebs if I was? I got jipped by New Labour sleaze at it's worst. It's absolutely despicable. At least you knew where you were with the Tories: I've lost count of the amount of superguns I shipped under Thatcher & co. Those were the days.

Hello there. Sorry it's been a while but I've been defending myself against some silly trumped-up charges in Italy about paying and or accepting some money for something else or whatever. I don't remember all the details but I have a cunning plan on how to get out of it: when it seems that the moment has come when my guilt is beyond doubt I shall merely divorce my wife and get a good friend to say I was entirely innocent. On an entirely different subject Tony Blair has said that God will be his only judge on the Gulf War. Fair enough, eh? Here are a few things that only God can judge me on:

- The "insert name here" crew:
This was a group of freelance football hooligans that I ran that could be employed at any football league club that needed their services during the 1980's. We went wherever our services were needed and could be afforded by those willing to pay. We beat the living bejesus out of anyone who needed a whack. KnowwhatImean? No, neither do I.

- Diana:
I felt awful when that happened. Really awful. But Paris is the ideal place to get over doing somehing like that and soon enough I was on the road to recovery.

- Mark Oaten:
I wish I'd never given him that number now.

- Mr Bell's Pastry-brush:
"The worst book ever written with the exception of Mr Goodballoon's last book: 'Mr Bell's Pastry'." - Peter Hitchens