Goodballoon's paunch

Well what a time it's been. What a year! What a life! What?

As the end of 2006 approaches and I look back on twelve months of barely feeling my heart still beat, let alone an emotion, a great many things strike me and I'd like to share a few of them with you... I'd like to but a car is arriving in uno momento to take me off in the wilds of Soho where I shall have a large amount of liquid pumped into my body whilst having a good deal more taken out. Christ, it's good to be me.

Have a marvellous time doing whatever plebs like you do over the festive season. I'll see you on the other side, if I make it.

Fuck away from me now.

Tony Blair has made a marvellous point today about the foreigner's attitude when visiting the modern marvel that is 21st Century Britain. He says that whilst we, as a nation, continue to celebrate and embrace multiculturalism we must also ensure that visitors from overseas behave exactly like us. Here are a few tips for you out-of-towners:

- Tourists from any country: walk much faster on the streets of London. Visitors: if someone in front of you is not walking as quickly as they should be, please tut softly and mutter to yourself about a funeral march.

- Americans: when enjoying something, whether it's a drink, a monument or something else 'awesome', please try to do it with slightly less enthusiasm. It's not becoming.

- The Japanese: don't be so scared of thing. Dogs, vagrants, pigeons are all part of everyday life in an exciting modern metropolis so get used to them.

- Germans: Whilst we appreciate the effort it is really not neccesary to be cartoon versions of yourself. Really. We get that you have a sense of humour, the big moustaches are not needed. What? You really dress and act that way? Oh.

There will be more lessons on living in England/Britain soon, so stay... er... logged in.

Bonjourno!

Sorry it's been a while but the World requires much of genius and gives so little back in return. I've spent the last couple o' months charging around putting my talents to good use and being a generally all-round good guy. But what have I learnt, I hear you cry? Welllllllllll...

- Polonium 210 doesn't work as fast as you will be led to believe.
- Iraq is not yet the ideal marketplace for a new form of religion based on mutual tolerance and the adulation of an ancient English homosexual.
- If, when hiring a hitman, stealth and secrecy is your aim, do not approach Michael Stone. That's £3,000 down the pan.
- Michael Levy is an innocent man. Innocent of what? I have no idea.
- American's cannot be trusted with their vote. Congress and Senate? Fools!

I think you'll agree that some valuable lessons have been learnt there. don't know what they are or whether I'll ever act upon them, but I know somewhere deep in the mass of vowels, constonants and punctuatory marks above are wise words and even wiser numbers. It's tiring being a visionary.

Danny Lipp has been in touch to tell me about his my space webpage. He tells me there are some exciting demos of his songs on there for all you fans (2) and non-fans (everyone else) to hear. Quite why you'd want to hear rough versions of songs that were appaling when finished I'll never know. Anyway, the link is www.myspace.com/dannylipp if you really haven't got anything else to do.

I'm off to procure a defence contract or two. See you there Trinny! (Private joke between me and broadcaster Trinny Woodall).