Goodballoon's paunch

In 1987 Jasper Goodballon was offered, and excepted, an exclusive hour-long “An audience with…” TV special on Britain's ITV Network. Filmed at LWT’s studios at Upper Ground on the south bank of the Thames, the programme was a disaster from start to finish and goes some way in explaining Jasper’s absence from our television screens over the past eighteen years. Never broadcast, what follows is a partial extract from the recording:


(Audience applause)

Goodballoon: Hello. Hello. Thank you, thank you and welcome to this the first ‘Audience with Jasper Goodballoon'.

(Applause)

Goodballoon: You’re too kind. Too kind. What a pleasure it is to be standing here on this stage in London’s glamorous South Bank. Looking around me I can see a great many famous faces: Shirley Bassey. Lovely Shirley. How are you dear?

Bassey: Happier for seeing you, Jasper.

Goodballoon: You’re too kind, my love. Don’t you look fabulous? Doesn’t she everyone?

(Applause)

Goodballoon: Beautiful. Had your t*ts done have you? They look bigger.

(At this point a Floor Manager crosses the studio and quietly speaks to Jasper. Jasper, obviously exasperated, argues with the man. The following can be heard)

Goodballoon: Well she has. I’ve seen them matey and I can assure you they’re bigger.

Floor Manager: (Inaudible.)

Goodballoon: Well f**k her! She’s just annoyed because those nice Norwegian boys have nicked her one and only gig. Someone should tell her you can’t polish a turd.

Floor Manager: (Inaudible.)

Goodballoon: But I don’t want to talk to that p***k!

Floor Manager: (Inaudible.)

Goodballoon: Why? Because he’s a drunken c**t! A bum! Talking of which, strictly entre-nous, we did have a little fling a few years ago. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the first. (Whispers) Could’ve put your foot in there.

Floor Manager: (Inaudible.)

Goodballoon: Fine. I’ll speak to him. Try to find something to say to the boring old tart.

(The Floor Manager crosses back across the studio floor and counts Jasper back in.)

Floor Manager: Okay. And in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

(Applause.)
Goodballoon: Thank you, thank you. So many famous faces… is that the lovely Ian ‘Beefy’ Botham?

Many of you will have seen Mr Scorsese's (I spit the title through gritted teeth) documentary on Bobfrey Zymmermankowitz. I was always under the impression that a documentary was just that; a document of a time, an article based upon the truth. Ha! Where oh where was the mention of Zymmermankowitz knocking at my door at three AM one December night asking for a packet of potato chips (the crisp was not to be invented for twenty years)? Are we to believe Hall and Oates had nothing to do with BZ's development? Not a word about Jenny Agutter! Honestly! I shall be returning my copy of Scarface, Mister Coppola.

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing and I've got a bloody ton of it. Here's a few facts:

- When Ronald Reagan entered the Oval Office after being sworn-in as President of the United States his first action was to deny AIDS existed for ten years.

- Black people are heavier than white people hence the lack of an Zambian Olympic swimming champion and the huge amount of African-American dead in New Orleans.

- Chinese people breath half as much as Westerners. They like being smuggled in cargo containers.

- Cancer comes from God. So does eggs, trousers, Jesus, Axminster carpet and Data from Star Trek. Muslims don't.

- That neckache that you've got will never, ever go away.

- If you get stung by a bee then it probably hates you.

- High levels of tea consumption lead to paedophillic tendencies. As did bad punctuations adn spelling.

It's a funny thing when you can't trust people to keep a secret. I once trusted Peter Ustinov with my private thoughts on Archbishop Runcie and he let everyone know that I thought he was devious little nancy with appalling taste in knit-wear and fallen arches. Not so shocking now, but in 1986 this was enough for me to lose my CBE. Anyway, be careful what you tell people because they may pass it on. Here's a few things I heard at a party recently:

- Murdoch: "The problem is the tans can't even be bothered to help themselves. Let them drown, I say."

- Blair: "I quite agree Rupert; the BBC blamed it on the authorities. Quite, quite hateful"

- Moss: "Can any of you lot get me some crack?"

- Goodballoon: "I'm sorry Stirling, but you've had enough."

- Moss: "I'll suck your balls!"

- Murdoch, Blair, Goodballoon et al: "I've got some!"

This is soon to form the basis of my new sitcom 'Goodballoon's Yard an ting'.