Thursday, May 31, 2007
This message will self-destruct
An explosive list? Jesus! Is there no end to these evil-doers cunning?
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
I'm sooo famous
Look here. It's about bloody time someone started listening to my words of wisdom. I say my words but actually I stole that thing from Mister Lee at Pleasure of the harbour. The spelling mistakes were mine though.
Monday, May 28, 2007
How the news works.
Here is a transcript from a conversation that took place this morning between a Sky News Producer and Ed Vaizey of The Conservative Party:
A phone rings.
Ed Vaizey: Hello
Sky Producer: Good morning, Mr Vaizey. Sorry to bother you so early.
EV: It's fine. what can I do for you?
SP: We were just wondering if ou wanted to get on the news today.
EV: That sounds like a good idea. What have you go for me to comment on?
SP: All sorts. Madeleine McCann?
EV: Bit gloomy.
SP: Yeah, see what you mean. David Beckham?
EV: Who?
SP: Rained-off cricket?
EV: Who's playing?
SP: England versus the West Indies. England have the upper hand but it's likely to be rained off.
EV: It's a bit too... Torie, if you know what I mean?
SP: Sure. What about the Channel 4 Diana documentary?
EV: That sounds like the thing. What's happening?
SP: Channel 4 are going to show a documentary featuring pictues of Diana after the crash. We're going to cover it by showing pictures of the crash scene.
EV: Perfect! People's Princess, a dig at Channel 4, we get on the news: Brilliant! I'll do it.
SP: Lovely. We'll send a car.
EV: Thanks.
A phone rings.
Ed Vaizey: Hello
Sky Producer: Good morning, Mr Vaizey. Sorry to bother you so early.
EV: It's fine. what can I do for you?
SP: We were just wondering if ou wanted to get on the news today.
EV: That sounds like a good idea. What have you go for me to comment on?
SP: All sorts. Madeleine McCann?
EV: Bit gloomy.
SP: Yeah, see what you mean. David Beckham?
EV: Who?
SP: Rained-off cricket?
EV: Who's playing?
SP: England versus the West Indies. England have the upper hand but it's likely to be rained off.
EV: It's a bit too... Torie, if you know what I mean?
SP: Sure. What about the Channel 4 Diana documentary?
EV: That sounds like the thing. What's happening?
SP: Channel 4 are going to show a documentary featuring pictues of Diana after the crash. We're going to cover it by showing pictures of the crash scene.
EV: Perfect! People's Princess, a dig at Channel 4, we get on the news: Brilliant! I'll do it.
SP: Lovely. We'll send a car.
EV: Thanks.
Friday, May 18, 2007
"If you gave him an enema..."
For the last few years it has seemed that Christopher Hitchens had lost his mind. His arguments for the Iraq war made this talented and interesting writer a polarising figure for the Left, and those of us who felt that his seeming alliance with the Right something of a defection, if not an outright act of treason. This week, however, we have had an illustration of just how good Mr Hitchens can be; he has been doing the talkshow circuit in America sentencing the "Reverend" Jerry Falwell to an Anti-theist Hell in a quite brilliant manner. Here he is on Hannity & Colmes, and keep an ear out for the very last line before the end:
From this side of the Atlantic it really is astonishing that people like Sean Hannity can actually get their own TV programme and it be mistaken for news. I'm not saying we're a great deal better than this but at least we don't have to put up with too many religious nutjobs substituting conviction in their beliefs (however ludicrous) for political fact. Blair aside, that is.
From this side of the Atlantic it really is astonishing that people like Sean Hannity can actually get their own TV programme and it be mistaken for news. I'm not saying we're a great deal better than this but at least we don't have to put up with too many religious nutjobs substituting conviction in their beliefs (however ludicrous) for political fact. Blair aside, that is.
Monday, May 14, 2007
Beep-beep-beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeppppppp!!!
People are always banging on about how banging the banging scene was during the banging days of rave. Well let me tell you, it was banging.
The early 1990's was a real whizz-crack time for me and anyone else who liked to head into the Kent countryside in a drunk-driver's Metro with thumping baselines bursting through a miasoma of MDMA fogged synapse. Or somethink. I was quite a face on the jungle scene. People would see me chewing my face off whilst 'picking apples', 'stacking boxes' and 'getting stuck in a revolving-door' and they'd say "Oh! There's Goodballoon. He's quite out of his gourd. What a wanker." They were, of course, absolutely correct. It was the literal truth.
I.
Was.
A.
Wanker.
But that was the great thing about the rave scene; no one held it against you, and if you tried to hold it against them they pushed it away. I loved the free-spirited, communal-living, 'no logo' vibe of the whole affair. As soon as I realised what was happening I thought, "There must be a way to make some money out of this." I was right.
I became a police informant. As soon as I knew the identity of the party-throwers and the likely venue I would call the drug squad who would immediately send four-hundred of their very finest. These gentle souls would then come to whichever airfield the dance was being held at and quietly explain that everyone would have to go home. I can't begin to guess how many braincells I have saved over the years through my conscientious use of the emergency services. I am truly a hero.
And a wanker.
The early 1990's was a real whizz-crack time for me and anyone else who liked to head into the Kent countryside in a drunk-driver's Metro with thumping baselines bursting through a miasoma of MDMA fogged synapse. Or somethink. I was quite a face on the jungle scene. People would see me chewing my face off whilst 'picking apples', 'stacking boxes' and 'getting stuck in a revolving-door' and they'd say "Oh! There's Goodballoon. He's quite out of his gourd. What a wanker." They were, of course, absolutely correct. It was the literal truth.
I.
Was.
A.
Wanker.
But that was the great thing about the rave scene; no one held it against you, and if you tried to hold it against them they pushed it away. I loved the free-spirited, communal-living, 'no logo' vibe of the whole affair. As soon as I realised what was happening I thought, "There must be a way to make some money out of this." I was right.
I became a police informant. As soon as I knew the identity of the party-throwers and the likely venue I would call the drug squad who would immediately send four-hundred of their very finest. These gentle souls would then come to whichever airfield the dance was being held at and quietly explain that everyone would have to go home. I can't begin to guess how many braincells I have saved over the years through my conscientious use of the emergency services. I am truly a hero.
And a wanker.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Too much fuckin' perspective!
Right, I know this turgid cul-de-sac of a blog has been a bit right-on and political for the last few posts and I promise that the next post will have a cock joke in it, but just one last word on the Iraq thing and all the things that thing and thingy did with it.
This here website has a nice item about the US cost of the big adventure in the Middle East and what else it could have bought. Here's a snippet just to give some sense on how much state-sponsored mass-murder could actually buy (and remember, if you voted Labour in the last general election you pardoned all of this):
"According to World Bank estimates, $54 billion a year would eliminate starvation and malnutrition globally by 2015, while $30 billion would provide a year of primary education for every child on earth.
At the upper range of those estimates, the $456 billion cost of the war could have fed and educated the world's poor for five and a half years."
The US and the UK: Bringing democracy to the World one racist war at a time.
This here website has a nice item about the US cost of the big adventure in the Middle East and what else it could have bought. Here's a snippet just to give some sense on how much state-sponsored mass-murder could actually buy (and remember, if you voted Labour in the last general election you pardoned all of this):
"According to World Bank estimates, $54 billion a year would eliminate starvation and malnutrition globally by 2015, while $30 billion would provide a year of primary education for every child on earth.
At the upper range of those estimates, the $456 billion cost of the war could have fed and educated the world's poor for five and a half years."
The US and the UK: Bringing democracy to the World one racist war at a time.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Bridain (Updated - sexily)
"Human capital is a nation's greatest asset."
"Think back. No, really think back."
"We don't need statistics..."
"No country attracts overseas investment like we do."
"Britain is not a follower today, Britain is a leader."
"A country comfortable in the 21st century."
"Without the Labour party allowing me to lead it, nothing could ever have been done."
"Decision-making is hard."
"Not an answer. The answer."
"It means doing what you generally believe to be right."
"People think that you act according to some messianic zeal."
"Sierra Leone."
"Kosovo."
"September the 11th, 2001."
"Shoulder to shoulder."
"And so Afganistan, and then Iraq."
"Blowback."
Sorry, did he just admit to a link between Iraq and increasing global terrorism? Better late than never, I suppose.
UPDATE! UPDATE! STAY ALERT! UPDATE! LOOK HERE!
I knew I had heard what it was that I thought was what I heard:
"Removing Saddam and his sons from power, as with removing the Taliban, was over with relative ease.
But the blowback since, from global terrorism and those elements that support it, has been fierce and unrelenting and costly. For many, it simply isn’t and can’t be worth it."
That is an admittance that the Iraq war has multiplied the terrorist threat.
Now, do you think Hillary Benn's speech about not calling 'The War on Terror', 'The War on Terror' was a neat bit of positioning to help Blair out? If we're now not calling it 'The War on Terror' then the increase in 'Terror' is not a failure but more a side-effect; something which is inevitable in our war on... oh. What are we at war on now?
"Think back. No, really think back."
"We don't need statistics..."
"No country attracts overseas investment like we do."
"Britain is not a follower today, Britain is a leader."
"A country comfortable in the 21st century."
"Without the Labour party allowing me to lead it, nothing could ever have been done."
"Decision-making is hard."
"Not an answer. The answer."
"It means doing what you generally believe to be right."
"People think that you act according to some messianic zeal."
"Sierra Leone."
"Kosovo."
"September the 11th, 2001."
"Shoulder to shoulder."
"And so Afganistan, and then Iraq."
"Blowback."
Sorry, did he just admit to a link between Iraq and increasing global terrorism? Better late than never, I suppose.
UPDATE! UPDATE! STAY ALERT! UPDATE! LOOK HERE!
I knew I had heard what it was that I thought was what I heard:
"Removing Saddam and his sons from power, as with removing the Taliban, was over with relative ease.
But the blowback since, from global terrorism and those elements that support it, has been fierce and unrelenting and costly. For many, it simply isn’t and can’t be worth it."
That is an admittance that the Iraq war has multiplied the terrorist threat.
Now, do you think Hillary Benn's speech about not calling 'The War on Terror', 'The War on Terror' was a neat bit of positioning to help Blair out? If we're now not calling it 'The War on Terror' then the increase in 'Terror' is not a failure but more a side-effect; something which is inevitable in our war on... oh. What are we at war on now?
Bye
It's nice to see Blair shoulder to shoulder with himself right until the end. As the Prime Minister who refused to cut-and-run cuts and runs, we (me) here at The Balloon would like to pay tribute to him and all the good he has done over the past ten years.
But we can't.
'Cos he's a cunt.
P.S. Can the local Labour pricks in Sedgefield not see the irony of singing "Things can only get better"?
P.P.S. Phillip Gould just mentioned Tony Blair's balls on the BBC.
But we can't.
'Cos he's a cunt.
P.S. Can the local Labour pricks in Sedgefield not see the irony of singing "Things can only get better"?
P.P.S. Phillip Gould just mentioned Tony Blair's balls on the BBC.
Friday, May 04, 2007
Off the hook, bwah!
So, that slippery bastard has gone and done it again. Labour did badly last night but nowhere close to the kicking they should have gotten. The country has let Blair off again so he can wander off into the middle-eastern sunset with a nice Northern Irish press op as a golden watch for his ten years of service.
The Government's crack squad of excuse makers hit the airwaves this morning to talk about how, yes they had not done very well but there again neither had the tories. The whole fucking charade has become more and more tasteless with each new week.
The Government's official line is "mid-term blues" which is so offensive, I cannot believe it. It denotes some kind of political M.E; something is wrong but no one can quite put their finger on it. I'll tell you the problem you arseholes: you are nothing more than self-denying tories who constantly tell yourselves you're doing good whilst tearing the arse out of the country. You're the Beverley Allett of politics. Inflation and unemployment continue to grow, house prices are through the roof because the city grows ever more rampant, the NHS is dying a slow lingering death despite the billions that have been thrown at it, schools are failing and 600,000 people at least have been killed in Iraq because of the cowed and snivelling decisions that you made as you deferred to a foreign leadership hell-bent on proto-facist takeover of a free nation. The Government and it's apologists in the press deserved a far worse beating than they got last night. It's a damn shame.
All this and we've still got the Tories to look forward to.
The Government's crack squad of excuse makers hit the airwaves this morning to talk about how, yes they had not done very well but there again neither had the tories. The whole fucking charade has become more and more tasteless with each new week.
The Government's official line is "mid-term blues" which is so offensive, I cannot believe it. It denotes some kind of political M.E; something is wrong but no one can quite put their finger on it. I'll tell you the problem you arseholes: you are nothing more than self-denying tories who constantly tell yourselves you're doing good whilst tearing the arse out of the country. You're the Beverley Allett of politics. Inflation and unemployment continue to grow, house prices are through the roof because the city grows ever more rampant, the NHS is dying a slow lingering death despite the billions that have been thrown at it, schools are failing and 600,000 people at least have been killed in Iraq because of the cowed and snivelling decisions that you made as you deferred to a foreign leadership hell-bent on proto-facist takeover of a free nation. The Government and it's apologists in the press deserved a far worse beating than they got last night. It's a damn shame.
All this and we've still got the Tories to look forward to.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
What I want to know is...
Why does Michael Parkinson still consider himself to be a journalist? Brian Sewell was bang on when he called him a "complacent prick".
