Goodballoon's paunch

Dear Mr President,

By the time you read this letter I'll be gone. I have decided, after the unfortunate events of this week, to resign my position as Chief of Staff to Vice President Dick Cheney. The last few years of serving you fellas has really been just wonderful; to watch you guys thrashing out foreign policy decisions over a game of five card stud, cutting taxes whilst watching WWF and ensuring that healthcare provisions for the poor are reduced year-on-year to pay for all the wrestling, or at least that's the way I understood it, well its all been quite a ride.

I was always surprised by the aggressive press we received, particularly from those liberal New York "types" (you can read between the lines): "Hero President in poll jag as war ends" was just one of the many heinous and inflammatory headlines that I can remember. Bastards. I feel that the decision to let Vice President Cheney do all of the talking worked wonders and really allowed you to concentrate on what was important, sir. How is that twelve-step plan going? That first one's a doozy, huh?

It would be a disservice to you not to cover the tragic events of this week. When you begin a course of action as we did in Iraq, you expect casualties. You know that good, decent men will have to pay with their lives but why the hell did it have to me? At least Miers threw them off the scent for a while, as did reaching 2,000 dead which, I might say, is a great deal fewer than we had hoped for. I mean projected.

Anyway, thanks for the memories Boss. Good luck cutting down on the crack and I'll see you inside,

Yours,


" Scooter"

It was after seeing the movie 'Lethal Weapon 2' that I decided a life in the diplomatic service was for me. Immunity could be useful and I had just been relieved of my previous residence due to a sensory failure of the highest order (not hearing footsteps on staircases will be the death of me). I pulled a couple of strings, greased a few palms and viciously blackmailed high-ranking members of the civil service and ended up as Her Majesty's Ambassador to Britain. My palatial home in London's Regents Park could be described as nothing less than breath-taking and the amount of heroin I could fit into my limousine was astonishing. Alas it all fell apart when a simple remark about Cecil Parkinson masturbating whilst watching' Shoah' resulted in the temporary partitioning of three square miles of Central London and the stripping of my credentials. It was the worst four hours of my life.

Watching the news the other day I happened to spot a face I knew. I watched for a while as he ummed and ahhed, shook his head and pleaded with his eyes for us to leave him be; it was TV's David Cameron MP (pictured). Now I knew David back in the mid-nineties when he was trying to get in the world of PR and I can tell you, he was a very popular chap. Mescaline, Ketamine, Coke, Crack, Jelly-dubs, Ringos, Biffos, Bully-beefs, Toppers, In-and-outs, Tims, Jims, Rocky Racoons, Furs, Bum-raps, Negroes and Semolinas; he could get them all. Alas, as is so ofen the case, he became hooked on his own junk like some kind of self-pleasuring cock-monkey and in the high-powered, spunky town of puplic relations he was considered to be too much of a loose cannon. Good luck as Prime Minister, David!

Some men are born great.
Some strive to be great.
Some have greatness foisted upon then.

I'm proud to call you friend.

Pictured above we see all of the runners and riders for the leadership of the Conservative Party, but who's going to win? Here's a rundown:

- Laddy Hayes: Hard-working, dedicated and an unreconstructed anti-semite, Laddy is a favourite amongst the grass-root support but MP's are naturally wary of his dedication and hard-work. Odds: Likely to be squeezed until he shits atoms.

- Doreen Theft-Auto: Effervescent party-girl Doreen considers abortion, contraceptives, masturbation and not humping to all be forms of murder and so is incredibly popular when not asleep or pregnant. Odds: This spunk-jar is every gentleman's favourite.

- Drexel Watchkins: Muslim. Odds: I can't be bothered.

- Anton Rogers: Former Fresh Fields star Anton is mad-keen to be the best leader the Tories have ever had, Perry. With the whole-hearted support of co-star Julia McKenzie and a host of other celeb pals including Blue's Lee Ryan and the recently deceased John Peel-Day, Anton is the must-watch candidate of the race. Odds: May to December on.

- Linda Crack: Stern Linda is the fields no-nonsense candidate. Serious-minded with a keen intellect, Linda has a set of progressive, fair and compassionate proposals of her own including everyone having a pony, Christmas everyday and sweets for dinner. Linda is seven years old. Odds: 2-1 favourite.

Someone did something to this page and now you can get RSS feeds apparently. I don't know what that is. 'Arse-feeds' on the other hand, I know all about.

Yes terror don't be scared 1 don't be my love oh watch out for the fire when ready but wait no body no body here we don't want to alienate them are coming for us on the tube watch the tubes squeeze it out shiny 2 happy whitey reddy ready blue no brownies duffle-coat knapsack love them open arms close the ports be afraid a frayed afraid a phrase to protect something something to protect with love my love oh yes bring them to me 3 brazilian wax brazilian whacks bloody floor them I'll show them coming over here stealing our damnit where's the file oh thank you Sir John 4 if bill says he needs six months then bill knows nose lost your nose lost your head back to brazil nuts cobnuts cop nuts let them alone if they need the time 5 Tony and Giorgio delicious cooking up a storm hell-storm we know what we're full of hate BBC can't you see that they're trying their best oh lord yes Katrina you know what to do get them out back to where they came to death 6 ironic that they don't see the good Sir John one dead fifty-seven unaccounted for can't be right pop goes the weasel bus buster gonad not scrotum-head no wonder David went nuts brazilian back to him Christ Israeli's told us to do it 7 no one's going for that don't glorify divert attention talk crazy make them look other weight of expectation P.M today no likely someday must stop them otherwise no chance lawn order trim them back 8 when did it all go wrong ninety-seven good year why do they hate me me me belt up bumpy ride yes many dead peg on your nose name on your toe sweep it up protect our children muslim hard to do right for wrong 9 they'll see I'm right left centre bloody brazilian my love oh yes.

There he is: Nivers. The Nivster. What a man. What an actor! He could look surprised... well all of the time really, but if you needed a man to be surprised he was it. I'm holding the camera and seeing him so close to Maureen O'Sullivan made me shake with rage. Virginia Field was something of a scrubber too and I didn't trust her as far as I could throw her. He went to Mexico with Tyrone Power the next day. Dash it all!

I found this quote on the very nice Philly Freedom site (see links) from the charming Anne Coulter:

"It's always good to remind voters that Democrats are the party of abortion, sodomy and atheism..."

Now that sounds like my kind of party.

I met Anne, or Annie as she prefers, in 1992. She was a low-paid hack on the Missouri Morning Star, a sub-standard Communist rag that wasn't even read by the staff. Her leftist politics gave me quite a buzz and it wasn't long before I seduced her. She was everything you would want in bed and quite often let me call her Winston. That's not a euphemism for anything. We canoodled for a while but I had to break it off for fear of catching anything else from her. The shock of my disappearance from her life force Anne to reappraise her book sales and she became quite the right-wing polemicist. Like Bette Midler, she had the remnants of a small, cock part, but don't let that put you off. I didn't.